The Attacks of Hair and Silence
by Deana Bell
Summary: Chris the Ranger pays a visit to the Shire and is attacked by...like I'm gonna tell you. Yes, it does star my friends. So? It's funny (IMHO) *No usage of actual Tolkien characters...just his world/species*


The Attacks of Hair and Silence (or Grace and Katherine Have Hairy Feet)  
  
A ranger named Chris entered a farthing of the Shire, which farthing to this day no one knows. About three steps into the shire, he meets two girl hobbits. Girl hobbit number one spoke up. "Hi! My name's Grace and I have hairy feet!"  
"I'm Katherine, and I have hairier feet then she does." The other hobbit replied, donning a mask of innocence.  
"Do not! Mine look like a kiwi!" Grace argued, forgetting the ranger and glaring at her companion.  
"Yeah, well mine resemble the beard of a gnome!"  
Whilst this argument was going on, one thought continued to roll around inside Chris's head. "Gross!" For awhile he tried to drown the conversation out, but he realized that this could go on for hours and that the only way to stop it was to change the subject.  
"Um, excuse me…" he cut in, ever the gentlemen. (Right, Chris?)  
"Nu-uh! My legs look a lot more like a Man's then yours."  
"Do not!"  
Over their shouting, they did not hear Chris's repeated entreaties for directions to the pub.  
Both hobbit lasses lifted their skirts just enough to show off their oh-so-very hairy calves.   
Chris could contain his disgustment no longer. "YOU BOTH HAVE LEGS LIKE WEREWOLVES'!"  
"Thanks!" They replied in earnest unison.  
That was it. This was just way too gross. And when Chris gets grossed out, all of Middle Earth knows the consequences. (Except these two hobbits, apparently.) His tan Man-skin turned green and his muscles began to bulge and rip through his outer shirt. The shirt underneath remained intact, covering his torso so as to not scare the little kids. "BOO!" he shouts. (Scary.)  
Suddenly a woman leapt to the new, improved Chris's side. It was Lauren, the magical Woman-That-Changes-Into-a-Hobbit-On-the-Tall-Side. While the rest of her body began to shrink to hobbit-size, her feet grew bigger and bigger. Blonde hair began to break through her shoes and run up her legs. Soon both legs and feet are nothing but a tangled forest of blonde.  
Chris, who was now passed disgusted, sprinted out of the shire and into the safety of the outside world (three steps back). "Oh no! It's spreading!"  
The hair, seeming to move of its own accord, traveled through the grass toward Chris. He jumped atop the welcome sign. ("Welcome to the farthing. Which farthing, no one quite knows.") Drawing his sword, he hacked wildly at the spreading, presumably killer hair.  
Down from the sky flew a giant Goose, with wings of silver and a flaming mane. (It wasn't really on fire, but the color of it. On Wednesdays it looked like ketchup!) Around his neck hung a paper sign upon which was written in permanent-marker letters "Heinz". Heinz was the greatest of the Geese, strong of heart and fell in battle. Quickly he began to honk at the hair, waddling, his scarlet-streaked form a blur of motion.  
Hanging upside down, Chris began to hack at the wild hair with his sword, Sharpie. From the hair arose a scream that echoed throughout the Shire, and even to the edges of the nearby lands. Slowly the hair began to recede, back and back, until it was all safely contained beneath Lauren's skin once again. Defeated, she crumpled to the ground, neither dead nor living, unmoving for the rest of the afternoon.  
But a few feet from Fell Lauren (as legend remembers her) sat the two hobbit lasses, counting the hairs on their feet to see whose were hairier.  
"Oblivious little werewolves." Chris muttered, jumping down from the sign.  
"Honk." replied Heinz.  
"And now for a little celebration." Chris said, drawing an old, faded brown bubble pipe from inside his tunic. His skin tone had faded back to normal and he had shrunk back down to normal Man size. He lazily began to blow bubbles and stare up at the painted sky above.  
Heinz shook his head in disappointment, then let out a loud HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK that echoed over the river and through the woods, all the way to Grandmother's house. It was answered by an equally loud baROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO and repeated, rhythmic thumps that shook the earth. The hobbit lasses bounced upon the ground, and their counting was disrupted. But they had little time to grow angry, for soon into the clearing burst a large group of Oliphaunts, Mûmakil, their backs laden with break dancing monkeys and tap dancing scuba divers.   
Chris's pipe fell from his gaping mouth, confusion and astonishment fighting for room in his eyes.  
From a speaker mounted upon the head Oliphaunt's back drifted the sound of sweet of song.  
  
You can dance if you want to,  
We can leave your friends behind.  
'Cause your friends don't dance, and if they don't dance  
Then they're no friends of mine.  
  
"Eh, why not?" Thought Chris, climbing to his feet. He began to do the ranger dance, which involved many ballet moves and the imitating of turtles.  
A scuba diver tapped down the tail of an Oliphaunt and came to stand before the two hobbits. Removing her mask, she revealed a head of blonde hair and blue eyes that sparkled in the midday sun.  
"COURTNEY!" shouted the two hobbits, running and hugging they're scuba-y friend.  
"Hey Grace; hey Katherine!" Courtney responded in her normal jovial manner.  
"Oh, and I suppose you're hairy, too?" Chris asked, stopping in his dance.  
"Nope. I'm an Elf." Responded Courtney.  
"Naw, you're too short to be an Elf."  
"I assure you, I am one."  
"Well, are you part Dwarf?"  
"Nope. I'm all Elf, baby."  
Chris remained skeptical, but decided to drop the argument. "I've never hear of tap dancing, scuba diving Elves before." He stated instead. "Are you of Noldor ancestry? I've heard they're cursed."  
"No, I am..." Courtney began, but before she could finish silence came down upon them, drowning out every noise and stuffing cotton in their ears, just in case a noise was too loud for the silence.  
There was a poof of smoke (only no poofing noise) and suddenly standing before them was what appeared to be a woman, slight of stature and dressed in entirely blue.  
Chris gasped. "It's...it's…BRITNEY SPEARS!"  
"Huh?" responded everyone, including the monkeys, turning to face him.  
"No, wait, it's…THE LADY OF SILENCE!"  
"Ooooh." The crowd responded, nodding in agreement. Then realization dawned, and they began to scream. But the silence grew ever stronger, and now even the sounds fell dead from their lips like flies from one of the buzzy light things.  
The Lady of Silence stood in the middle of the chaos she wrought, watching as one by one the beings around her went insane from lack of noise. All except the two hobbits, who seemed oblivious to everything. But her silence was her fault as well as her power, and she did not hear as a scuba diver jumped from his Oliphaunt and landed behind her. Drawing his sword, he smote her in the pinky toe, and she fell. The hero removed his scuba mask and revealed himself to be the famous Sean, fell as a spork and cunning as an otter. As her silence faded, so did the mask her power had weaved upon her features.  
Even as a shout of joy began to ripple through the crowd, Chris cried out and ran to her side. But her silence had returned to her, and for all eternity it would lay within her throat and upon her heart.  
"Stephanie…" Chris muttered.  
"You knew her?" questioned Sean.  
"She was my…my…"  
"Your sister?" asked Courtney.  
"Your girlfriend?" asked Grace.  
"Your father?" asked Katherine.  
"Honk?" asked Heinz.  
"My former classmate!" Chris said, and began to weep.  
"Aw, suck it up." Grace chided, kicking him.  
"That's it!" Chris shouted. He tackled her to the ground, and there was much hearing of the words "cheetos!" and "pickles!" Feeling as though she needed to be in on this (for indeed Katherine and Grace were mentally connected at the elbow) Katherine leapt into the fray, and "WEEEEE!" was added to the battle sounds.   
Chris felt as though he were in a tornado of squirrels and hairy feet. "Must…break…free…" but no matter how hard he struggled, he could not get free. His panic grew within him faster then a dandelion in Miracle Gro, and he knew he could never escape…  
"Dieter!" Chris sat straight up in his desk upon hearing his German name. He looked around to find the whole class staring at him, as well as Mrs. Pavkovich. "Bist du müde?" she asked, glaring.  
"Well, considering I was asleep…" he responded.  
"Ach, macht dien Mundt zu." She said, getting back to the lesson.  
It was a dream. Chris realized. What a relief. And yet, looking at Grace and Katherine, he could not help but wonder how often they shaved their legs…  
  
The End?  
  
Disclaimer: You know the drill…Tolkien owns LOTR and the entire world of Middle-Earth, I don't think I could create my own world as he did. Also, the song "Safety Dance" is by Men Without Hats, not me. Besides that, many of the ideas for this story came from Chris and Grace (alright, mostly Chris – it was his idea in the first place). I pretty much arranged it, added a little to it, and wrote it. Oh, and obviously the Incredible Hulk shtick was not a Katherine Original. Thank you and good night. 


End file.
